Diary of a Mystic T Adam Hill
 
 
Diary of a Mystic
A Mystical Incantation & Revelation of Pure Love
 
 
PART ONE
 
THE COSMIC DANCE WITHIN
(THE COSMIC DANCER)
 
SHIVA
THE COSMIC DANCER
 
Pluck not a feather
or an eye lash -
rather pluck
the strings of a guitar,
or of your lovers heart.
Do not surround
your prey, your enemy -
let him go,
let him escape -
so you will be free
of his oppressive tyranny
rather bring a ring
to your lover's finger -
on bended knee
kiss the hand
of the one you love -
go further still -
kiss the feet
feel the love flowing
like laser beams, like electric currents
between the eyes -
ah when soft lips kiss
a million rose petals scatter
a million doves fly
when bodies lie entwined
& energies energized
& magnetically charged
yin & yang ions electrons
bodies drawn together,
united, in mystic union
of passionate love
sweet  like dreams
days & nights
tropical, exotic, erotic
sensual pleasure,
ah how wonderful,
how true
how divine
Some of the Karma
Some of the Dharma
Some of the blood
Some of the Soul.
That beyond which
we cannot go.
That which is beyond
All that we can know.
The most splendid visionary gleam.
Do I care?
Am I supposed to care?
What anyone thinks.
No, Love among men
 Love among women
Love among men & women
Is love.
There are no races.
We are all human beings
Too close to differentiate.
Too similar to disseminate
Too ripe & plump to dissolve.
Stay lean & waste not -
Time, money, food -
Your Life cherish each moment
the All in each moment...
the moment in each All
each moment in the All
all moments in each
Each all in moments
Like these.
Profusion of fellatios phalluses
Plethora of fusions
Confusions across synapses...
All that I thought true,
Enduring... Gone
In an instant
of Revelation, Enlightenment
All gone and then awake
a glass door knob
of an old wooden door
in front of my eyes,
what else to do now-
Opening it-
Transfusions of Blood!
Iris, Fleur de Lie,
Fleur de Mal, Mary Magdelene
at Jesus' side at the
Last Supper... She & he
creating the Holy Grail
A Child, Offspring -
Animus anima-
the man within
the woman within
Balance between the two,
Is best in Harmony
with Nature
Follow nature, all actions following Nature
are good and produce good.
All action out of sequence
would be better as non action
Harmony of Soul/Mind
with Nature is Best.
THE DOOR! THE WAY!
OPENS ONTO PURPLE MOUNTAINS'
MAJESTY ABOVE THE FRUITED PLAINS.
 
Enchanted window
Lace curtains like curls adorn your sides
Enchanted window
Calling me to your side
The perfume sweet
& Heavy musk of your body
lilac & lavender... Pink inside
Red Hair & Diamond Eyes
Surrender to Love.
Floral Scents of You.
Qui Qui  Ha Ha  Ho Ho  Ho Hum
Thy smell, sweet sticky
on my fingers.
Now on my mouth
Now mingled with the acrid
Milk of your breasts
Diamond Eyes
My fingers brush your lips
You stare drugged
by Love,
Love has you tongue tied
then guide
my throbbing member
lingam into yoni
into your moist flesh
through which we come
through which we return,
Divine Enchanted Window
Gateway, portal of All
Life, Portal of All Living
That which is Before everything else
Window of Conception
Conceive of the Window (Wisdom)
Issue from the Loins
in Bed you Lie
& I with you entwined
and the miracle felt
sperm meeting egg & we felt it happening
& new life on the way
you and me
But so much more, Infusion
of Light & Wind & Color
Miraculous Lightning Strike
and there you have it.
 
OYSTER PERPETUAL
PETALS OF A ROSE
THE LABIA (the casbah)
FEMALE GENITALIA
The Sublime Blessed Feminine
The Beginning of REALITY
TOSSING in the night
Feeling Magdelene wondering
wanting beyond want
endless craving beyond desire
the circle of lustful lascivious
Lovers caught in a perpetual wailing wind
& Dante wept.
 
I am BACK ON TRACK
the mind clickety clack
the door opens
like distant geese quack
we need to cut each other some slack
be thankful for our enemies
for the opportunity they provide us
to develop patience & tolerance.
The Enemy is the necessary
condition to practice these virtues
Shift Perspective, view it from another
vantage point
suffering & hardship
shifting perspectives to view an event
from another light, for example
when in desperate situations,
there is no time to pretend,
you get real honest, real quick.
Pain is Pain... But are you the only one
to have ever felt this pain
TRANSFORM YOUR ATTITUDE
DALAI LAMA:  When angry
you view "your enemy" as 100% BAD
you view your friend or loved one
as 100% GOOD -
neither really corresponds with reality...
 
forgive and forget,
forgive and forget
about anything anyone may have done to you
any harm maybe they did or maybe they didn't
do something wrong to you
it doesn't matter
let it go
or otherwise you are a slave to it
see their pain
the pain inside them
some preexisting condition
or the pain you may have caused
and forgive them
this is the only way to get beyond
to go beyond pain
accept it, forgive them
and move on
 
Back to the DALAI LAMA
try to see the good in a negative situation
try to see the bad in a positive situation
try to see how adverse situation, circumstances
or relations with people have benefited you,
have been a positive experience or encounter
Number one when you feel deep hatred or anger,
generally there arises in you a feeling of something
you really do care about... Number two that
situation probably made you choose another
situation that was better for you -
therein lies the positive side to adversity.
But beyond this,
an "enemy" or adversity
is the perfect opportunity
to develop loving kindness
and compassion, feeling the others pain.
Revenge is a vicious cycle.
Do you want  to carry around
the feeling that you caused pain & suffering?
What good is there in that?
If your enemy is made unhappy through your actions
what is there for you to be joyful about?
Develop Patience & tolerance toward your enemies.
 
A SUPPLE MIND
See things from different perspectives
The Big World, The Small World
The Horizon Colorful Clouds at Sunset,
to a small flower close at hand.
Shift perspectives.
 
BASIC BELIEFS OF THE DALAI LAMA
1.)A BELIEF IN THE UNDERLYING GOODNESS
OF ALL HUMAN BEINGS.
2.) A BELIEF IN THE VALUE OF COMPASSION.
3.) A POLICY OF KINDNESS.
4.) A SENSE OF HIS COMMONALITY
WITH ALL LIVING THINGS.
 
REDUCE BELIEF SYSTEM TO A FEW
FUNDAMENTAL FACTS:
1.)I AM A HUMAN BEING.
2.) I WANT TO BE HAPPY AND
I DON'T WANT TO SUFFER.
3.) OTHER HUMAN BEINGS LIKE MYSELF
ALSO WANT TO BE HAPPY & DON'T WANT TO SUFFER.
 
Emphasizing the common ground with others
Results in a Feeling of Connection
 
REDUCING OUR VALUE SYSTEM
TO THE MOST BASIC ELEMENTS-
ALLOWS FOR THE MOST FREEDOM...
& FLEXIBILITY IN DEALING WITH LIFE'S SITUATIONS.
 
BALANCE
 
BALANCE, GENTLE, SKILLFUL APPROACH
Taking care to avoid extremes
Important in all aspects of life.
In Planting a sapling,
Too much moisture, too much heat, too much Sun
too much darkness
is to be avoided.
Same is true in our mental & emotional
Health & Well Being.
If we are beginning to feel arrogant
by our sense of achievements or self importance,
the antidote is to think about one's own problems
& sufferings, or the sufferings of others,
Contemplate the unsatisfactory aspects of Existence.
Conversely need to be able to get out
of discouraging feelings, feelings of worthlessness
by uplifting your mind, reflecting on your achievements
and the progress you've made thus far.
A BALANCE & SKILLFUL APPROACH.
BALANCE
GOOD FOR PHYSICAL,
EMOTIONAL AND SPIRITUAL
HEALTH AND WELL BEING.
 
 
RED HAIRED BEAUTY
 
OH
MY RED HAIRED BEAUTY
MY FREYJA
Norse Goddess of Old & New,
Peace & Violence,
Living & Dead,
 Justifier of All,
my Botticelli's  Venus
immaculate, beautific
vision of vision
with thick long curly red hair
white skin speckled with red freckles
and blue eyes, diamond eyes
most beautiful, most fair,
do not take abuse
From anyone.
Ride your chariot pulled by two gray cats
through the clouds, sky, heaven -
your necklace the milky way
Sacred Feminine
through all, across ALL, until we sing your praise...
more than an angel, the rosy auburn tresses of your hair
flowing in cosmic wind blurring our vision
with Radiance, You Dance & Sing,
Bringing Wisdom and Depth before us.
From Child
to All Knowing in an Instant,
Blinding us,
Leaving us stunned and staggering,
Our Vital Energy, our Chi flows freely to you
and it becomes yours and you transfer
transcendent purity back to us,
Space, Peace, Emptiness beyond belief.
Yo! Check it out! For Real For Real.
A Child and then back into tantric trance
transfixing us,
a flow of thought & singing,
guttural deep then high pitched
a song & sounds depicting and distilling ALL.
SANGUINE TRESSES, EYES OF
BLUE WATER DIAMONDS
DANCING AT ONCE SENSUAL & SUBLIME,
YOU DANCE THE COSMIC DANCE.
In the Chisabha, the hall of our CONSCIOUSNESS,
in our minds,
YOU DANCE THE COSMIC DANCE.
How can we forget
or stop paying homage to your all encompassing radiance?
 
And to FLAME, the Sacred Cat,
sacred red fur upon her forehead,
sacred as the life blood flowing through us all,
we bow, we cherish The Sacred Cat and We Cherish ALL.
AND WE CHERISH YOU
YOU WHO DANCE THE COSMIC DANCE WITHIN
AND WITHOUT
we cherish
the perfumed incense of air
 the wind whisked up by movements
of your red hair,
your lunar white
hips as you dance
on & on stirring true love
deep inside us, not to possess
or desire, beyond all cravings
and want, just LOVE - Bumping
against the ETHEREAL LIGHT
of Knowledge, enlightenment and all seeing,
AWARE of this, this sublime
moment, sensing & feeling
all in this moment,
the birds calling & chirping & singing
flapping their wings in the moisture
of early morning rain,
just part of the world beyond
your fingertips.
YOU, GIVER of LIFE
and all Food & Sustenance.
 
SHE DANCES. SHE WHO IS TRANSCENDENT LIGHT.
SHE DANCES WITH THE CELESTIALS.
SHE DANCES IN THE GOLDEN HALL.
SHE DANCES WITH YOUNG LOVERS.
SHE DANCES WITH SILENT SHAMAN.
SHE DANCES IN THE SONG.
SHE IS THE SONG.
SHE DANCES IN ULTIMATE ENERGY.
SHE IS ULTIMATE ENERGY.
SHE IS MOVEMENT.
SHE DANCES IN SOULS.
SHE IS THE KEEPER OF ALL DANCES.
 
SHIVA or SIVA (She va)
GODDESS OF
DESTRUCTION & REPRODUCTION
The Hindu Triad - three Gods -
SHIVA, BRAHMA, AND VISHNU -
and 3 personification of divine reality
in its creative aspect//
the ESSENTIAL DIVINE REALITY
OF THE UNIVERSE,
THE ETERNAL SPIRIT FROM WHICH
ALL BEING ORIGINATES,
AND TO WHICH
ALL RETURNS.
 
With heightened AWARENESS, WE
SMELL YOUR SMELLS, SWEET LANGUOROUS ODORS,
WE FEEL THE WIND, AIR STIRRING OF YOUR BREATH
AS YOU SING,
MOVEMENT OF AIR
THE WIND AS YOU DANCE.
THE WIND CREATED
BY YOUR HAIR AND HIPS
IN YOUR GLIDING PASSIONATE MOVEMENT.
THE FIRE IN YOUR BOSOM
THE FIRE IN THE SUNS
THE FIRE IN THE UNIVERSE
THE FIRE IN OUR SOUL
THAT HEATS OUR LIFE BLOOD
WE MERGE WITH THE FIRE
THAT IS YOU.
WE LIE ON YOUR BODY
AND SLIP INTO A DREAM
THIS DREAM CALLED LIFE and
We feel the fecund mosses, lichen
multitudinous species
of your moist earth, rich tapestry so
many species,  green lavender, red,
some spindly, some soft - and feel &
see your lips, your mouth -
the fiery sunsets, the saffron dawn,
a Kiss from your lips to us
Empowered by the blaze of the Sun.
 
VERY TOLERANT
VERY WIDE IN THE CONCEPTS EMBRACED
VERY FORGIVING
A WEAKNESS FOR ROGUES
WANDERING DRUNKEN WASTRELS
WITH FLASHES OF POETIC INSIGHT
THAT IS EASTERN THOUGHT
THAT IS EASTERN PHILOSOPHY
THAT IS SHIVA
THE COSMIC DANCER
& ZEN
UNDERSTANDING
 
 
ZEN
LAY IT ALL ASIDE
GOOD, BAD, INDIFFERENT,
& LIE DOWN TO PLEASANT DREAMS
 
DREAMS
4 THINGS,  4 THINGS
8 FOLD PATH
YES
CRYSTAL
DECCA
REALIZE YES
KNOWS
LOOKING TO RESOLVE
IT IS IT
NEED TO GET
SOMEONE NEW
SOMETHING NEW NOW!
NEED TO GET
NOTHING
 
GREAT SLEEP
WONDERFUL
LEARN HEALING
you must be able to flow
flow from masculine to feminine
Breathing is the key
move from male to female
seamlessly together whole
in unison this is The Way
masculine & feminine in Harmony
Oneness
 
FRAGILE STATE BETWEEN
WAKING & SLEEP
 
"Was he a man dreaming of being a butterfly
or a butterfly dreaming of being a man?"
Chang Tzu
 
"To give your sheep or cow a large spacious meadow
is the way to control him."
Shunryu Suzuki
 
"Perched upon the temple bell,
the butterfly sleeps."
Lafcadio Uearn
 
Stop for a minute, but you can't stay
always flowing, going, moving -
movement & stillness
Zen is stillness, Zen is movement.
Try to grab it in movement, it goes to stillness.
Try to grasp it in stillness, it goes to movement.
Zen moving & staying
calm in the midst of action
awareness in the midst of stillness
 
A SAUNTERER
from sans terre,
one who is without a home,
and is equally at home anywhere.
 
SIERRA CLUB MOTTO:
"THE WORLD IS A WILDLIFE PRESERVE,
AND WE ARE THE WILD LIFE."
 
"CULTIVATE WILDNESS.
WILDNESS IS A STATE OF LIBERATION."
 
"You enter the natural state of things,
and discover your natural self."
 
ZEN IS MINDFULNESS-
EXTRACTING THE MOST
FROM A GIVEN MOMENT.
 
majestic mystic mountains,
a stream,
a solitary person beside the water-
that is us in this world
 
and that is the typical
chinese landscape painting too
 
"A superior vessel takes a long time to complete."
"I'm just an old man with nothing dying."
 
Buddhism
Moderation in everything
including moderation
nothing in excess
Buddhism
"the middle way"
 
Many streams flow down from the mountains
Many paths to the truth
 
Zen says
Eat and Drink!
in Zen they relish their rogue wastrel wanderers
careless of conventions, intoxicant inebriates of life
 
Shunryu Suzuki
1905-1971
came to San Francisco in 1959
The Beats really got into him-
ZEN MIND, BEGINNER'S MIND
and NOT ALWAYS SO
 
"So the secret is just to say 'YES!' and jump off from here.
Then there is no problem. It means to be yourself,
always yourself, without sticking to an old self."
 
"When you do something, you should burn yourself completely,
like a good bonfire, leaving no trace of yourself."
 
"Take care of things, and they will take care of you."
 
"In  the beginner's mind there are many possibilities,
but in the expert's there are few."
 
"My life has been one long series of mistakes."
 
"Our tendency is to be interested in something
that is growing in the garden, not in the bare
soil itself. But if you want to have a good harvest,
the most important thing is to make
the soil rich and cultivate it well."
 
Impermanence, everything changes, everything will be gone,
everything will pass, here today, gone tomorrow,
or tomorrow's tomorrow
nothing remains
"Zen is not some kind of excitement, but
concentration on our usual everyday routine."
 
"Don't squat with your spurs on."
 
Ravindra Goswami
Sitar Player
from
Benares
my guru
 
TAO TE CHING  (REVISITED)
What a masterful book.
Enigmatic truth.
line after line.
THE TAO
What is it?
THE WAY
Whatever you say it is,
it is also the opposite.
It is and it is not.
learn to be unlearned.
hold nothing and you will lose nothing.
desire to have no desire.
He who knows does not speak.
He who speaks does not know.
Love tranquility.
Subdue Your Mind.
He who stands on tiptoe is not steady.
He who shows himself is not luminous.
To be above men,
put yourself below them.
This is called matching heaven.
Three treasures:
Deep Love.
Frugality.
Stay in step with the world.
 
 
 
 
Low is the way
Tranquility
Water is low
Female
 
A lady bug lands
and walks across the pages of the Tao Te Ching.
 
or
I watch carefully as the lady bug
crawls across the page of the Tao Te Ching.
 
or
Sitting in the sunlight, I am reading a book.
A lady bug lands on my finger.
She closes the outer shell of her wings,
orange armor with black dots.
She walks across the pages of the Tao Te Ching
 
or
simplified
 
Sitting in the sunlight, I am reading a book.
A lady bug lands on my finger.
 
(Hence all the wisdom of the ages, all men's learning,
is merely the backdrop, the page, the landscape
for this living creature to walk on.
The life force, the Chi in the lady bug
is as powerful as man's philosophy,
no more powerful.)
 
While sitting in the sun reading the Tao Te Ching,
a red haired girl woman calls me on the cell phone.
 
Driving through the North Carolina Mountains,
an Owl flies along beside us.
(He knows this territory better than we do.)
 
I watch  the lady bug crawl
across  the top of the page.
 
The lady bug crawls
across the top of the page.
 
 
 
MON 12/12/06
I AM IN "A ZONE"...
Things ticking along well...
with the smoking removed from my daily life,
I feel a little, no quite odd,
but I actually get around to things
I should do, gracefully,
without a struggle
and I'm doing things the way I should
have been doing them all my life...
odd that it should take until I'm 50
to do and to know this,
but great that it has happened...
living the true life,
the true way...
managing to make a living,
do my writing, reading & music too!
 
MANTRAS
RAVINDRA GOSWAMI & THE SITAR
CHINESE PHILOSOPHY - CONFUCIUS & LAO TZU (THE TAO)
SUN THERAPY WHEN POSSIBLE.
 
 
My love is like a willow tree.
lovely and supple and tender.
The wind comes through
and the limbs dance,
even after the wind is gone.
 
Rain is falling on the roof.
The cat is sleeping.
 
Cold rain is falling on the roof.
The dog curls up to sleep.
 
Warm breath meets cold air,
misty condensation.
 
Watching Clouds
Cloud Watching // Bright Clouds
 
"The more he gives to others,
the more he possesses of his own.
The Way of Heaven is to benefit others
and not to injure.
The Way of the Sage is to Act
But not to compete."
(LAST WORDS) END OF THE TAO
 
Gray trees in gray skies.
Winter. A bird flies by.
Cold air. Warm breath. Misty Condensation.
 
The strong male cat comes by the little house
for a visit almost daily. He meows,
saying hello, eats a little food, I pick him up,
kiss his head, rub his belly, put him down
and he goes on, making his rounds for the day.
 
 
Why does everybody leave me? she says.
She seems headed to an emotional breakdown.
I wake up, now, concerned.
Then she laughs.
She's going to be alright.
 
"WHEN ONE IS AT EASE WITH ONESELF
ONE IS NEAR TAO."
 
STRANGE TRUTHS
PURE MIND
Dreams a million
woman from China (or Indian)
round and round
pleasant vague but a million dreams
 
SURREAL DEATH
car hits a deer, decapitates the deer,
and the head flies into the windshield
of a mini van and kills the driver
 
A  girl came
gave me truth in a blaze
gave me all i needed
for all my days
Then she left in a haze
I'll always remember
Her ways
Came here hypnotized me
with her gaze
left me here
in a beautiful daze
She said
Look!
Look up!
Look up at the sky!
 
I think about the goodness
that she gave
I think about
the goodness in her heart
strange sweet truths
 
Play it again
on that sitar
Play it again
Ravi Shankhar
Play it again
Ravi Shankhar
on that sitar
 
Strange (sweet) truths
in her eyes
Strange (sweet) truths
in her body
Strange (sweet) truths
in her mind
her pure mind.
Strange truth
in her Pure Mind.
 
Strange light (vision)
in her (clear) eyes
strange fruit
her body too
strange breeze
in her ways
strange truth
(in her) pure mind
 
Dreams - Millions of people in prison
 
Hillary Andrews
blonde meteorologist
finally losing it
having a nervous breakdown
on air
"good shopping weather in Atlanta,
as long as you don't mind
walking between stores...
out west, christmas weather for the surfers -
no sales on Rodeo Drive
snow sleet rain
snow sleet rain... snow sleet rain"
(over & over & over again)
"foggy in New Orleans,
low lights, high lights, low lights high lights..."
(the Weather Station breaks to commercial
and Hillary Andrews is never seen again)
 
The birds fly in and land in the big oak trees
Such a racket as they cackle & eat & drop
acorn shells raining down on the ground.
Suddenly, mysteriously they all grow silent...
30 seconds pass, they all take flight
and disappear in the sky.
Mon 12/19/05
 
The birds fly into the oak tree,
making their racket all the while,
chattering just like we do in our network
of phones, computers, and fiber optic cable.
 
Music of Man, Music of Earth, Music of Heaven
 
MYSTICAL WAY OF CHUANG TZU
"Have you ever witnessed how the trees
swing and bend after the wind is gone?"
 
"Great Knowledge is leisurely
and at ease
(all embracing, extensive)."
 
NOTE: MAYBE INCLUDE THE TAO TE CHING
COMPLETELY
INTERSPERSED THROUGH BOOK
 
A rush of wind,
the black birds
take flight in unison,
oak leaves rustling on the ground.
 
Blue sky through the bare trees,
the black birds fly through the trees.
 
Note: Maybe go back to NOVEL
CHRONIC
one idea take a huge detour
into SACRED FEMININE
then EASTERN Philosophy
SPELL OUT THE RELATIONSHIP
with red headed girl/woman
Maybe the book doglegs
out like crazy -
SACRED FEMININE & Eastern Philosophy
 
Suddenly at a certain point, he seems
to find his way,  The Way
through it all to the very moment
Do the Bump  & Grind -
all about the Sacred Feminine Dancing
 
Back to SACRED FEMININE -
 
With long curly red hair, natural curls,
lunar skin, the sky blue
diamond eyes of her mother,
exotic, a whisper,
a smattering of freckles
across her cheeks,
her face clear and smooth,
indistinct like beautiful clouds.
BODY?  OH MY -
Perfect embodiment,
incarnation of womanhood -
talk to me night after night so close,
yet so far away.
 
Morphing into
a dark haired exotic goddess
high priestess of passion
her body a temple of delight
her mind an incarnation
of enchantment and enlightenment
Seeing all
with an eye in the sky
love
layers and layers
of love
white and green islands
blue seas
bamboo, palm trees, jungle
a gauguin delight
dot on forehead
third eye
eye in the sky
love floating on clouds
for a bed
love
true love
physical
& mental
 
.
Maybe if I get out of this studio,
move on to something new,
then we will see what happens.
 
But then, what is happening now,
is intense and wonderful,
just ride the now.
 
Like a pied piper to women,
Swan was born to make them dance.
Song after song would flow out -
rootsy, primal grooves,
and the women, girls
would groove on it -
Dancing the night away.
Like oh,
maybe we should sit around
and worry or try to plan
what we are going to do next?
No, think, analyze, act,
evaluate, adjust,
and get on with it...
then get down,
let it go
forget all
in the now moment
lost in rapture,
in the cosmic dance
soul in the wind
transparency
of mind
of body
of nature
of beyond
in the moment
transported
by art
a poem a novel
a painting a film
music and or dance
to sublime feelings
of oneness
connectedness
with all.
Happiness
comes from
sensing
this connectedness,
this "belonging".
A
transparent
system
is a
good
system.
 
Whether an American Legion,
a club, a party at the museum
or corporate event,
Swan always made people dance,
or certainly wanted to be a conduit
between the mystical realm
of feeling good and motion
and people transported
to move as only music can do.
With cover songs or Originals
that was his aim -
to dance, to move, to be alive,
to feel good, to flow, to groove,
to ride with the wind...
Freely understanding
love & freedom & flowing
motion to be at the
heart of life.
Yes to Dance,
Dance brings us
closer to "God",
to "All",
to "Ourselves".
Movement is the most primal act,
and dance is the most sophisticated,
genuine, graceful
expression of movement.
 
YES, TO MAKE EVERYONE DANCE
THAT WAS AND IS
THE ULTIMATE GOAL OF SWAN.
PRIMAL GROOVE.
 
While watching C-SPAN
Senate Hearing
on Lobbying Reform
Fuck You!
Fuck All Of You!
Reform?
Revolution
is more in order
in my opinion.
All you guys
in Washington
"inside the Beltway"
as you say
are sucking
the same tit
of America,
and we are the people
we are the mother,
and as such you need to listen,
not just to the minority
that votes,
but to all others,
go out, dig,
find out what is
really going on in this country.
The Media
& the Politicians
two headed'
two assed
dragon,
strip the campaign money
strip the corporate lobbyists,
bring it down to bare facts,
remove the obstacles
the distance
between representation
and the actual people...
You guys,
hmmm, let's see,
should we vote ourselves a raise?
well...
You guys are the problem,
not the answer...
you guys need to get down,
get lean and mean,
as you have forced us
the people,
not the priviledged class,
corporate top hierarchy,
stronger than our government...
doctors, lawyers, undertakers,
whatever commands more money...
should that determine
what our priorities are?
No, not in this
media fabricated
advertising brain washing
era,
no
we need change
serious and severe,
now.
Ethics.
Yeah,
let's see some of that.
Principles,
Ethics,
concern for all,
not just a soak down
of our spirit and our money,
give us health care,
give us health,
give us kindness,
a kind government,
this is OUR government,
supposed to be.
Every American
to have a good job,
a healthy life,
and a good retirement.
Bill Samuel,
AFL-CIO
Legislation Director,
headed
in the right direction.
Coalition
for National Health Care
Organization
For Senior Services
 
She
Is
Unfuckable!
untouchable!
lunchable
munchable
?
 
100 FT Ethernet Cable
 
Dream out on Hatteras
Frozen but
Drums pounding on shore
Me & Deba
angel dancing
wrapped in mexican blanket
in the moonlight
 
 
CHRISTMAS EVE NIGHT 2005
JODECO ROAD
 
"Learn to tame the disturbances
coming from your own mind.
Then peace will come to you automatically."
 
TO LIVE SIMPLY
To live simply
and stay true to the things
that really mean something
to oneself, to not be distracted
and caught up in things otherwise.
To love and accept the love,
bask in the warmth & light
& feelings around.
Learning so much
from Buddhists of late
transforming separation
and isolation of the self
into reaching & touching &
feeling & accepting the energy around us.
Healing through concentrating
on energy of a dog,
energy flows all around.
 
Work, make enough money
to pay bills and have enough
to buy a recorder - very portable
Tascam 2488
(turned out to be a Boss 1600!)
and see Mama around Christmas.
Beyond that  to save money
if possible, to love as
love is given, to give & receive
in my open air room
with its white twinkling lights,
white lattice covered
by blue tarp walls,
blue room
& the black & white dalmatian
walking around,
Sasha my love visiting,
staying in touch
from time to time -
to receive something special
from a friend - understanding, enlightenment.
The universe will provide,
if you let it.
When a door closes,
another one opens.
To let Katja the Dalmatian's
Energy heal my foot
self not self
selfless not selfish
if I allow energy
to flow back to her.
Understanding, freeing
oneself from their
current perceptions & beliefs
and misconceptions
accepting and being receptive
to previously resisted or
blocked out concepts,
energies, wisdom
or knowledge and emotions.
 
IT'S A DIFFERENT
BALLGAME NOW,
AND YET STILL A CONTINUATION.
Dennis Rodman,
to elevate one's
game, performance, life,
to concentrate energy
and sacrifice & work hard
toward excellence -
a monk among thieves,
all oak among weeds
a tear of joy & happiness
THE SUN & THE MOON
A RED HAIRED GIRL
IN A SHOWER
FIRE ON WATER
& WATER ON FIRE
TAKING LESSONS & MESSAGES
FROM THE COSMOS (UNIVERSE)
 
WE GIVE TO EACH OTHER
LOVE AND EMOTION & LIFE.
 
YOUNG BALLERINA SOCIALITE
BURNING THE CANDLE
AT BOTH ENDS -
MAYBE RUNNING FROM
SOMETHING, HERSELF
OR MAYBE IN TOUCH
WITH WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT.
 
THE NEXT THING IS...
WORK, WORK, WORK -
WORK ON UNDERSTANDING
WORK ON LIFE & LOVE
WORK ON WHAT IS TRUE,
AND IMPORTANT TO ONE'S SELF,
IN HARMONY WITH WHAT
IS GOOD FOR THE EARTH,
WORLD, ENVIRONMENT, UNIVERSE...
ACT IN ACCORD WITH NATURE.
 
Music, Writing...
It doesn't have to be any way,
There is no way it must be done...
Do it the way you want to,
Just do it the way
you want to do it.
AD:
 Multi Instrumentalist needed
KEYBOARDS, SAX, VIOLIN-
FOR ORIGINAL PROJECT -
LET YOUR MIND GO -
AND IT YOUR WAY -
CURRENT EQUIPMENT TO TODD'S
FOR  "LIVE" RECORDINGS
16 TRACK BOARD & SPEAKERS
 
TO EMERGE WITH NOTHING,
AND FINALLY HAVE IT ALL.
NO STRUGGLE, JUST
CONCENTRATED FOCUSED
ENERGY.
 
MY ART, MY LIFE, MY LOVE
I NEVER CARED TO BE FAMOUS
OR EVEN KNOWN FOR WHAT I DO,
THAT SEEMS TO UNLEASH
TOO MANY DISTRACTIONS...
 
TO SIT IN THE BLUE ROOM
WITH THE RED LIGHT ON
THINK BACK TWENTY FIVE YEARS
TO A CRUMPLED TUBE
OF COLGATE TOOTHPASTE
ON AN SINK IN NEW YORK,  
AND A BROKEN MIRROR...
AND TO FEEL THE SAME STILLNESS,
THE SAME PEACE.
 
THE MOBIS STRIP
THE INFINITY SIGN -
THE ETERNAL RECURRENCE
AND ENDLESS REPETITION OF BEINGS
AND EVENTS AND SIGNS -
VERSUS THE SEEMINGLY
ENDLESS VARIATIONS & COLLECTIONS
OF ENERGY FIELDS -
FINITE OR INFINITE?
DEPENDS ON WHETHER
THE UNIVERSE IS OPEN
OR A CLOSED, CONTAINED SYSTEM,
BACK TO THE ONE OR MANY,
ALL OF THE MANY IS ONE,
ONE LIMITLESS INFINITE
SPACE & OCCURRENCE &
COLLECTION OF ENERGIES -
THAT, YES THAT IS ALL.
GOOD NIGHT MY LOVE,
MY BEAUTIES,
MOTHER & DAUGHTER
AS THEY SLEEP.
 
CHRISTINE
Now my attentions turn to Christine.
She who I have loved since the day
we first met at the Museum of Modern Art
in New York.
Oh Dark Eyes
Embodiment of all that is exotic
in my mind,
you of the transparent
lucid mind,
you of quick lightning thoughts
of clarity, enlightenment,
you of the razor sharp tongue,
you who I will always love,
though anger sometimes
obscures the love,
like clouds obscure the sun,
but the love,
like the sun is always there...
so brilliant, so refined,
so capable of tail spinning
into darkest suicidal depression,
be patient,
our love is one of the great loves,
it has survived
the deepest trials & tribulations.
Yes, we are physically apart now,
but growing closer again.
Yeah we really screwed things up.
No need to analyze blame,
which came first this or that
it doesn't matter,
what happened happened...
NOW
is what we have,
and lucky to have that,
no telling what will happen next.
I know we depend on each other,
we always have.
Our power together
is more than the sum of
our separate powers.
You are in New York.
I am in Georgia.
How do we reconcile
all this?
 
 
THURS 2/9/06
 
If people could accept everybody,
accept everything about relationships
and their complexity,
how a closeness and a being together
is so important,
but maybe not so neatly
paired off as we would like.
I think this is one problem
with our society
and our current societal mores,
they do not seem to be flexible enough
to accommodate
all of our various needs.
People are too programed
to think in "ideal" states,
hence unrealistic states.
 
 
Just as the wind comes
and blows the branches about,
so too does love come
and blow our feelings about.
We cannot predict or say
or control when the wind comes,
but we can be mindful and aware
and ready when it comes.
So too with love.
TOSHU
 
Moon Flower Rising in Water
Moon Burning in Water
Midnight Reflections
Moon in Water
 
But the moon is not
in the water.
Only reflected there.
It seems to be there.
Some "essence" of it
is  there.
But then
the light of
the moon
is not its light.
It is the light
of the sun.
Reflection upon reflection.
Illusion upon illusion.
Ah such is life!
At best,
at rock bottom,
you reach into the water
with your hands,
and raise a shimmering cup of water,
and as the water trickles
through your fingers,
the moon disappears.
That is the way life is.
It is all transitory.
It is always changing.
The Best is Now,
because the Past is Gone,
and the Future has not arrived,
materialized, does not exist...
Now is what we have,
some fading memories,
some shimmering dreams...
the moon shinning in the water
 
Now I hear the dog breathing,
the computer's cooling fan spinning,
my mind peering
penetrating into
this moment,
beyond the senses,
 what I see,
beyond the computer screen,
the calm, the silence,
the emptiness, the void...
that which is inexpressible,
neither nothing nor something,
not that which is or that which is not,
primordial elixir,
essence.
Universal, specific,
Divine, Human
of Heaven, of Earth...
Not knowing and knowing...
 
 
...silence...
 
...breathing...
 
fertile smells,
lingering odors,
visions of burning,
tastes of nectar,
touch of wood
plant, animal,
my body,
your body.
 
The squatty lamp
with its tall black shade,
the amber tone of its light,
conjures up
genie like
all these thoughts
and visions,
to hear
Stephanie laughing,
to hear
Christine laughing,
to see
Debbie smiling,
to taste water,
to taste the sour mash
of whiskey,
to smell the rain
the charred oak barrels,
to feel you touching my face,
to feel my touching your face.
to touch your face
gently with my fingers
& to feel you touching my face
as we stare into each others eyes
with love...
that's what life is.
 
The wonderful feeling
of going to sleep.
 
 
Winter Rain
 
I wake and hear
the rain on the roof,
and drift off to sleep again.
 
2
I wake in daylight
and hear the rain
falling on the roof,
and drift off to sleep again.
 
3
This is good for me.
I need sleep.
I need meditation
I wake & hear
the rain on the roof,
and drift off to sleep again.
 
Winter Sun
 
I wake with the sun
streaming in the doorway.
I walk outside, the dog
and cat follow me.
Sitting in the direct sunlight,
we warm ourselves, our bones,
drawing energy from the sun.
Then the dog and I go to work.
The cat stays behind at the little house.
I kid them sometimes.
I tell the cat she is the best house cat,
and I tell the dog
she is the best  work dog.
They look at me like they understand.
Who knows.
 
 
 
Siren in the night
Knowing something's not right,
Hoping when they get there
they can make things alright.
 
I have a drink of liquor
The Dog is breathing
across the room.
The rain has stopped.
The roof is quiet.
 
Clouds of Light
 
Sleeping, I wake,
the lights are like
clouds in the room.
I am sleeping
in clouds of light.
 
Drifting in and out of sleep
around midnight.
To be asleep is good.
To be awake is good.
 
 
This is the Law
(from the Dhammapada)
In this world
hate never dispels hate.
Only love dispels hate.
This is the law.
Ancient and inexhaustible.
 
Remember it is all uncertain, impermanent.
Be finished with all of it.
This is the Way that will take you
to the source -
to your Original Mind.
 
For Meghan
 
Meghan,
Here's something to maybe think about. It's the foundation of
Buddhist Thought, called the 4 Noble Truths:
 
1.) Life is full of suffering.
2.) The cause of all suffering is
our cravings and our desires.
3.) We can end suffering
by controlling, suppressing, subduing
our cravings and our desires.
4.) There is an 8 fold path
to take in order to control cravings & desires,
thereby ending suffering, and gaining joy and happiness.
Right Views
Right Aspirations
Right Speech
Right Conduct
Right Livelihood
Right Endeavor
Right Mindfulness
Right Contemplation
 
I thought I would give you this book for you birthday.
The Dhammapada is supposedly the things that the actual person
Guatama Siddharta (Buddha) said.
Eastern Philosophy, Chinese and Indian Thought
make so much sense to me.
Maybe it will strike a chord in you too,
now or maybe someday in the future.
Love,
Tommy
 
There are so many great sayings from the East.
 
Everything in moderation,
including moderation.
(So don't forget to have fun
and kick up your heels from time to time.)
 
There is no better medicine
for our minds and our bodies
than to live a good healthy life..
 
Act only when the action is in accord
or in harmony with nature,
in harmony with yourself
and what is natural for yourself.
 
Japanese Animae
Animation
sexy woman
black hair
black nipples
& white skin
riding a large tongue
with leather boots,
holding on
to barbell
of a tongue piercing
sweat beads
perspiration
falling from her forehead
morphing
into red head
thick curly full hair flowing
in the blue sky
riding clouds
forming swans
her thighs wrapped
in mystical misty air
rosy nipples of ripeness
bouncing firmly
her head thrown back in ecstasy
eyes closed
until turning lips moist
and eye lids shutter open
diamond eyes
reflection the blue of sky
eyes that see all
see you & know all
about you and me
and the universe.
In fact
is the all
and the emptiness
the Great Wisdom Gone Beyond...
no desire, no craving
just  being,
breathing
& this is what it brings
visions of earthly paradise
smiling
like the rays of the sun
shining down
on all of us
smiling
 
Globular lettering
of a Wes Wilson poster
for The Fillmore
1966
Bill Graham
Jefferson Airplane
Grateful Dead
Plastic Inevitable
oozing off  the page
WHOZROLLIN
 
D floatin on out
now movin out of roger's apt
worried about her
but she always lands on her feet
cost of car killin her i think
but she's got to move
2 jobs down
got me worried
can't sleep, stressed
things seem bleak, hopeless
need to talk with steve
concerning the future
R E wise
and container house
paper house at little lakewood
van broke down on Fri 2/24/06
stressed, but managed repair,
now Mon 2/27
maybe can get in back in groove
Sun 3/5/06
Still worried, I think it is mostly related
to lack of projects/properties out there
with Steve
now starting to focus, working harder
but little seems to be coming of it,
cannot get ahead or save money...
got to dig deep these days...
 
Hazy dreamy Daze Days
of sacred feminine red head
are gone.
That was definitely some
last ditch effort on my part
for youth that is gone,
and will never be again for me.
Now need to focus on next phase
of my life,
patience is the key,
53 now, 9 years to go.
62.
Retirement.
Need to start looking
at possibilities now...
Disability, etc.
Definitely feel I qualify.
What to do, what to do.
 
Music.
Throw a demo together.
Go get work.
Gigs.
Tom Hill
&
Pink Ink
or
Tom Hill
& The
Rock & Soul
Medicine Show
or
Rock & Soul Revue
50s & 60s music
Go for the gigs.
Figure out PA.
Quick.
Has always been a stumbling block.
Need PA on a stick concept.
But try to work with what I have.
Resolve crackle...
somehow 2 monitors,
either powered or with volume controls.
 
Make a bio.
Make a name.
Maybe resurrect The S.U.N.S.
The Suns
or
Tom Hill
yes that's it
simply
Tom Hill
 
Check for Drummers
Need more musicians available...
all instruments...
Drums, Bass, Guitar, Keyboard, Sax
 
TOM HILL'S ROCK & SOUL REVUE
 
TOM HILL
& THE ROCK & SOUL REVUE
 
Now back to writing,
need to get back to novel,
will do that today, sunday...
begin with
AN INDIAN ON A WHITE PONY
IN THE CITY OF DREAMS
then write a new chapter for CHRONIC...
that is SUNDAY'S PROJECT
 
                                   THE HEART SUTRA*
          (The Sutra of the Great Wisdom Gone Beyond)
 
From the depths of prajna wisdom
The Bodhisattiva of Compassion saw into the emptiness
of every construct
and so passed beyond all suffering.
 
Knowing then that in such depths
form is only emptiness, emptiness only form.
Form is emptiness, emptiness is form.
 
This is true of feelings, perceptions, impulses
and the rest on consciousness.
All these by there very nature, are emptiness,
being neither born nor dying, stained nor pure,
waxing or waning.
 
So in emptiness is there neither form,
feelings, perceptions, impulses or consciousness,
no eye, ear, nose, tongue, body or mind.
 
No form sound smell taste touch or  object of mind.
No element of sight or any other element of consciousness.
No ignorance, no old age or death.
No extinguishing of ignorance, old age or death.
No suffering, no beginning or end, no past.
No wisdom, no attainment.
 
The Bodhisattva who dwells in this perfect state
attains nothing, is not entrapped by delusions, fantasies.
And where there are no such obstacles, there can be no fear.
 
Now beyond all delusions,
one reaches ultimate nirvana.
Having practiced this same Great Wisdom Gone Beyond,
all Buddhas in the past have come to supreme enlightenment.
 
Knowing then that this peerless mantra,
this true mantra of highest wisdom
unfailingly relieves all suffering
and so proclaim it:
 
Gone, gone beyond, gone altogether beyond,
Awakening, fulfilled!
Heart of Great Wisdom!
 
*NOTE: "The Heart Sutra (teaching or wisdom) is regarded as a distillate
of all of Buddha's teachings. This is the daily prayer of many Buddhists.
In this Sutra Buddhism forged an irrevocable link between the direct experience
of emptiness, SUNYATA, and PRAJNA, the basic insight of indivisible oneness."
                                                                 from ZEN AND THE BRAIN
 
Let's see, are we still at 18 point?
Okay, making headway with the writing.
Sorting books as I write this.
Sunday 3/5/06
 
Saturday 3/11/06
 
Dexter, Mark's
orange and white lanky long haired cat,
sits on the stout railing of the porch,
staring at the red male cardinal perched
on the electric line above,
and the cardinal stares back
in silence,
caught up together momentarily
in all their redness,
and then gone,
probably never to see each other again,
but for one fine moment
locked together in mystical union.
 
Ah yes,
another full moon,
misty through the bare trees,
having met Jackie
spent the day with her
just to see another whole way
of looking at the world
and living life
and talking to my other friends
who are all so kind
I must focus and live now
don't worry about the future now,
because another whole set of circumstances
will be and will apply over the course of time,
just keep moving and rolling and living
with my present plan,
finishing the writing, continuing the music,
looking for a good situation,
yes the touch the closeness,
the hugs and kisses and bodies held close
to touch another person is a wonderful thing
 
I was going to say
the last thing I need is another person
to care about to love...
but no I suppose there is never anything
wrong with that,
love is love,
 and love is always good.
 
Monday
April 3, 2006
Have been pushing myself too hard.
Have been sick for an entire week.
Head cold. Sinus and chest congestion.
Mucus. Sore throat. Pains down in my ears.
Severe headaches. Extremely achy and sore body,
especially my legs and feet. After thirty minutes
being awake, so tired, ready to sleep another 5 hours.
Head tender to touch. Head feels like it is freezing
underneath the skull. Body contractions, cramps
while lying down. Feel like my muscles are
"separating from the bone" (sort of filleted)
This began Monday March 27, 2006
Has been over a week now.
Finally have had two plus days of rest.
Have not left the house even to go to the store now
for 3 days. Have never felt so exhausted
and achy in my life.
 
Have been working harder, trying to produce
more money as I am always near broke.
We had a series of gigs, and my birthday weekend
was very stressful. Work through Thursday,
pick Tina up at 3am in morning...Friday drive
her to Columbus, then drive back to McDonough
to Motorhead's...play and sleep in van with Jackie...
not much sleep then next day to High Falls, beautiful sunset
but back and play club that night, then drive to Columbus that night.
Sleep 3 hours get up get to Ft Benning to pick up Tina and drive her
to Atlanta Airport. She to fly to Syracuse, new orders now stationed
at Fort Drum, Watertown, New York.
Came home Sunday night and got very very sick.
Now 8 days later still feel achy and sick.
But I do feel a little better.
 
Leading up to the last several weeks of hard work
was several weeks of stress when the van went out.
Belt tensioner broke, leaving the van with no serpentine belt
and  leaving me driving on the highway with no alternator,
fan to cool engine, no power steering.
Of  course that freaked me out. Got the pickup truck out,
charged battery, pumped up tires, cleaned out all the mildew
in cab, got it running. Troubleshoot and buy parts. Already fill tube hose
was leaking, and had a leak in the coolant somewhere.
All this and of course emission inspection and registration
was coming up on the vehicles on my birthday.
Back and forth, back and forth with these vehicles.
As it stands now, van is the only one legally on the road.
Truck did not pass emissions. Need to tune it and try again.
Stress...Stress...Stress
No wonder I collapsed.
Slowly trying to put things back together again.
Debbie is struggling in Syracuse.
Too many bills. Working hard at two jobs,
but car payment and insurance eating her alive.
Hate to see her working so hard and having her phone turned off etc.
Christine is doing good, just got a raise...says she's drinking
but otherwise clean.
Trying to get back to basics here,
but it is hard.
WRITING...WORK...MUSIC
in that order has been dumped for a while
Need to get back to organizing things around here.
I allowed things to get pretty messy and disorganized around here
while in the process of stopping smoking
(It has now been 5 months
150 days since I had a cigarette)
but it is time to sort things out
and get organized.
That's all for now, at least I'm starting to focus
back on the things as per my plan.
Take a deep breath, and slow down.
Must get back to reading.
Reading is the key.
 
TUES, WED
4/4-5/06
IST time for "cleaning"
since I took Deba to New York
she says its been 9 months
cried over her today really miss her
such a companion, such a compatible worker,
such a friend, such a love, i miss her...
Any rate, yes the key in addition to writing and reading,
cleaning and sorting out is very important,
need to keep things clean condensed and organized...
that way forward moving, to the next adventure
whatever that will be...
yes continue with writing, but now start
the sorting process, getting a little better at it...
bottom line you can't take it with you
you can't take any of it with you when you go, die  that is...
1. immediate things.
2. longer term things when have  the space again.
3. all else should pretty much go now.
Feeling good, in motion again,
my life in motion again,
moving on to whatever however,
but would like a clean organized environment
in the meantime, so i will work at that,
as well as WRITING, and as well as trying
to keep the money flowing in...
Again turning a negative into a positive,
this week exhausted, sick...using this time to do what I've wanted
to do for a long time, that is continue the process of cleaning up
and cleaning out my life in all sectors, writing, possessions, emotions,
relationships, friendships, business situations,
re evaluating music and music relationships,
have tried very hard for many years, now must take a back seat,
still do it, but allow other considerations to come to the forefront
with more passion, Writing, Work, Emotions... my body telling me
something...GET HOUSE IN ORDER... that is what my body is saying.
Jackie a sweetie... visited her at marshaling yard today,
trucks rolling in to be weighed and registered
for convention show trade... immediate bond and attraction
and like of each other... but I have these former relationships...
and I've told Jackie this... but for Jackie's sake because she asked,
she said just go with the flow be positive right now today,
even if we don't see each other ever again...
she's probably right, I just don't want to cause more hurt,
pain or sorrow...I let her know up front,
so now I will just enjoy knowing and getting to know her
and being with her.
Suddenly just got very tired.
2:30 am
 
Thurs 2am
4/6/06
Oh how happy I have been all day!
Organizing stuff... beautiful spring weather...
out on the lattice porch love it
before the mosquitoes hit...
sorting tools, clothes etc, getting organized
feels so good... and
not working!
1st chance I've had not to work in a long time
oh I wish I could not work for a while...
I just love living when I don't have to work...
still working on things, my life,
organizing, writing, music,
Will see soon where we stand, but still Steve has been very kind to me,
and of course I think I have given him a lot of excellent skilled and
informed work, many times it's as much what I don't do as what I do...
Zen and the Art of Old Houses
Zen and the Art of House Renovation
Zen and the Art of Noise
Zen and the Art of Sound
Zen and the Art of Rock & Roll Music
 
tonite practiced with WhoZrolling
real fun just cuttin loose
then to Kelly's, fun all around...
ah to live my life the way I want, please T'ien Chi,
Energy of Heaven, Energy of Earth, Primordial Energy of All,
please allow that to happen...
so I can share love and happiness with all.
 
FRI 4/7/06
NIGHT after doctor
Cynthia McCaleb M.D.
Xrays of neck too! today
acute sinusitis, flu...  
Then mistake, invited Jackie to dinner
at Houston's, she started in with my sweatpants,
while she was wearing blue blue jeans...
fuck her and the horse she rode in on...
tired of that treatment got to stay on positive tip
got to keep on pushing on
believe there has been way too much "speed"
in her life. don't need that...
left phone at home had to get caught up with calls...
don't know but seems like the antibiotic she gave me
is messing with me, making me mean spirited,
aggressively angry.
See how I feel tomorrow.
But very happy that I got the X-ray of my neck done too.
Jackie and I already fight like we've been married for 5 years
Fuck that.
Doctor was good. Woman. Good repoire.
At billing dept at Piedmont saw an old couple being handed their Xrays,
so I asked the billing lady could I get my X rays...
She said sure, just ask them when you have them done
When I asked the swishy gay attendant said
no, we have a paper work reduction notice...
the young black woman said you wouldn't understand them anyway...
He said it's all done by computers now...
I asked is there anyway I can access them on line
He said No... So I said so I'm not allowed to have my own medical records?
that seems a little odd to me.
He showed me what they looked like as I left,
I think because he realized I probably
was well within my rights to ask for them...
I will find out.
But the feeling of going to the Doctor's,
and going to have a test for something you know is wrong,
something that concerns your health, is a great feeling...
and everyone should be entitled to that...
that's why I believe in National Health Care...
As much wealth and waste as there is in this nation,
we should all be able to take care of our health,
not be victimized by this insurance game.
 
Talking with My Dead Friends
 
Sitting around talking with my dead friends today,
laughing and joking just like they were here,
it kind of makes you stop and wonder.
Thinking about Ron and Paula,
how crazy and dysfunctional,
sometimes they would call the cops
and Ron would beg the cops to take him away,
take him to jail just so he could get away from her...
or Ron talking about how his back was out of place
and as the police twisted him into submission
he heard his back crack and suddenly he felt fine
and aligned again,
and, and, his laughing about all this.
Ah what a crazy crazy friend,
but I'd give anything to have him back again,
living life above the rim,
living to the fullest.
But the crack did him in.
Couldn't leave it alone.
But that's okay.
It happened that way.
His whole life led to that.
And that is okay.
And Kathy laughing.
Laughing cause she got him a job
because he was my friend.
She said yeah, you didn't tell me
he was crazy.
But it's okay.
Or her laughing
after she started chemotherapy
and she was wearing a wig,
how Ron asked her
if he could have her hair
after she died.
Just crazy, crazy things,
and sweet things,
lying on the green fertile moss
in the woods near the river,
her alabaster white body
on the deep green,
and her blue eyes like some
clear crystalline sky
oh the love,
the perfection of two
as one.
Grapes
&
Wine
&
Cheese
&
Love.
I cry.
Talking with dead friends
always leads to laughter and  tears.
 
4/15/06
 
Oh the love, Oh the pain when it is gone.
Yes better to have had love and lost it as they say,
but still it hurts. Forever it will hurt.
Once you have know that perfection of love,
you can never forget it,
it is a beautiful feeling beyond belief.
If I could go on feeling that forever,
that wonderment, that awe, that stillness,
that pinnacle of mental and physical sensation,
just to be so completely in love,
to have found that how glorious.
How rare.
How wonderful and cruel life is.
To have found that love, and then to loose it.
Maybe it is better to live under a rock, take no chances.
But no, we go on, and feel more feelings,
more sensations, more love, yes there is always more love.
In the undulating flux and constant changes of life,
there is always more love.
Love is a constant that shines
just like the sun still lights the earth
even when clouds obscure it.
And now flowing from me to the sacred feminine
once again love, yes, yes, it is  wonderful,
love not flowing to an object,
but to an ideal, a concept,
and if there is a physical embodiment of that concept,
all the better, but the love is true and real and rare.
That love we can always get in touch with,
That love we can always feel.
 
MOODS LIKE CLOUDS
 
A bright day
& all is right
with the world
& with my Love...
 
She lies in the leaves
on a hill above the lake
 
Then suddenly
ominously
dark clouds of suspicion
roll in & all
the hell of existence
comes racing, screaming out
demons guilt doubt
paranoia worthlessness
wail about, always triggered
unlocked unleashed
like a gun in my face,
stabbing my chest,
slashing & riddling my soul
shredding in until what
was a whole & vibrant &
wholesome body is drained
of blood, all hacked up
& dismembered. Disjointed
I cannot think. How did
I get in this situation
what is wrong with me
for surely there is something
very seriously wrong with me
you play my heart like a violin
you are a virtuoso
when you stop playing
I hardly notice
so spellbound & stunned
by your performance.
But in the silence
as it continues
thunder rolls from
far away and a creeping
feeling of being afraid slowly
crawls up my spine
 
clouds of love & delight
clouds of anger & hatred
flow thru me
because of you.
Why? Is this love?
 
Forces of good
forces of evil
the evil you have
to keep away
 
Tried my best
to save her
but she kept
drifting away
hell bent on destruction
there was no stopping her.
 
 
So much for Supreme Beings
 
I am a Supreme Being
I am a God in a way
You are a God in a way.
But there are so many things
greater than me.
Power is a mind melt.
I am insignificant.
Instability - out of control -
I think such wonderful things
wonderful loving things
& suddenly I realize that the
person I love is conning me,
being untrue & unfaithful to me.
I have truly met my match.
Someone who is shifty & sleazy
and changes moods like clouds.
 
 
 
UP AT THE RESERVOIR
AT SUNSET
WATCHING THE CLOUDS
RACE BY
JUMP
 
CHECKERBOARD CLOUDS
CLOUDS JUMP LIKE CHECKERS
SUN & THE MOON UP
 
WATCHING THE CLOUDS
JUMP OVER
THE SUN & THE MOON
LIKE CHECKERS
RADIO TOWERS BEAMING
DOWN AFRIK RYDDYMS
JA  JA   JA    JAZZ!
 
ME IN A LITTLE HONDA
DARK RED INTERIOR
BLACK STEERING WHEEL
SILVER OUTSIDE
 
LITTLE HONDA
HELP ME RONDA
JANE FONDA
 
 
 
WITH  EACH PASSING SEASON
MY HEART  BREAKS MORE
WITH EACH PASSING DAY
MY SADNESS GROWS
TO THINK OF YOU
WHICH ONCE BROUGHT SUCH HOPE,
NOW BRINGS ETERNAL WOE.
WHITE LILIES.
DIANA'S FUNERAL 9/6/97
HEARSE COVERED WITH FLOWERS
 
 
DREAMS multitudinous, cascading
through my subconscious like rain
falling through the spacelessness.
I cannot recreate the beauty
I have seen & touched & felt.
I am a little God like all things
animate & inanimate
all things are alive
don't try to tell me otherwise
spaced out. I understand
the divisions but disagree
with the principle,
the theory is faulty.
All things have a Life of their own,
a rock, a plant, a person, even
man make objects - and these,
 the man made things have
a stranglehold on us.
 
DREAMS LIBIDINOUS
a guitar player I know
standing at a counter
saying that he understands
the former wife of a another
guitar player, Danny, works there,
 and asks when she will be working.
The man tell him and goes on to explain
how strange she is, how she gives
you satisfaction but is never
in the room with you,
almost like an X Ray technician
does her job from behind a
lead panel.
 
CIRCLES or SWIRL
 
Crescent  moon over the city
and I think about my love
How it changes so quickly
like computer technology
like the clouds passing above
As I hear the sounds of a new day
crawling into action
& sense the lasers run
in fiber optic fields.
I still feel how wonderful it is
to be with you. The whirl
as it begins. Fans cooling
Discs swirling around & around
this circular motion - primary motion
in the beginning there was a swirl,
and you and I met
& so began our world.
 
She said
be careful what you ask for
cause you just might get it, or
cause you will probably get it.
 
I am truly lost now
all my dreams are gone
nothing turned out
the way I hoped & planned.
Lost in the creative process,
but my patience grows
my tolerance for people
that are different
and things I don't understand
has increased & I have much more
Love in my heart now.
 
Aggressively meek, getting nowhere
going round in circles, swirling
further & further from the center
the beginning. No way out. Dizzy.
 
CONQUISTADOR
THE LICK & THE CLAW MARK
 
You don't do the things you used to do
you don't do any of the things you used to do
you used to call all the time
I couldn't even get out the door
and I lived you for it
It made me feel good
that I thought someone cared that much.
But the tide has turned you called
& came to me out of some desperate need
which you don't seem to have or need anymore
 
I get a funny feeling we're thru
and that's okay just let me know
let me go
 
and then I was the one calling
& checking & moaning - showering you
with gifts & love, attention & affection
But it seems you've moved on
leaving me with the desperate need
and I'll wait & try to be patient,
if you are troubled now,
but if you've moved on,
it's okay, as of today I  can handle it
 
just like me know
so I can go
 
Just let me know
if you are thru with me
cause that's what seems to be
maybe I'm wrong
seems I'm definitely now strong
just let me know
should I go now?
 
Can I go now
if you are finished
jacking me around
ripping through my emotions
like a chain saw
massacring my feelings
and leaving me feeling
doubtful, lonely, insecure?
 
You can make me feel wonderful
like anything is possible
and you can make me feel
worthless, all life meaningless
I don't think I can take this ebb & flow
this hot & cold, in fact I think I want to go now.
 
You showed up in here
and straightened me out
and covered my room
with your decorations
and now you've rolled on
and now I say
wait a minute
that is odd
that glass sticking
through the wall
that isn't  right at all.
 
But you won me
conquistadoress
took me over
reduced me to helpless
servitude
another trophy on your shelf
left to gather dust
Do you feel better now?
I hope so cause I don't.
I'm gone. I don't need the abuse
I'm sure you'll say I abused you,
But I didn't stop loving you.
 
It was too much
you were always
having to pick me up
and ah ah how
I loved your touch
I guess it's alright
If you're going
cause you're gonna do what you want
I always thank you for the love
and the spirit you gave
 
And every now & then
there will be a ray of light
and there will be a gleam in my eye
or some lights
that were never there before
and I love you for it
though you care no more.
What is it? What is it? Come back to me.
I'm waiting. Can't you see.
 
It is a vicious game we play
Back & forth one in control
saying I don't know
while the other lies helpless
hanging in the balance
maybe no one can win from this situation.
But when everything is balanced
oh what a feeling rare & divine
of BROTHER & SISTER
     LOVER & FRIEND
     DADDY/GIRL & MOTHER/BABY
     ENTWINED LIKE TWINS
      SYMBIOTIC TWINS.
 
Whatever you wanted, I said okay
Whatever you thought was right
I quickly agreed
But now you've left me here
out in the desert
But I'd do it again
to get you in
But you & I know
I'd do it again
 
Cause that's the power you have over me
& probably plenty more
It will take someone stronger
to even the score
 
A
You're taking your chances baby
G
You're playing fast & loose
A
You rip up my pavement
G
You unhook my caboose
 
 
C                              D
Tell me what you want from me
cause I got to know
Do you want me to hang around
or should I go
 
You storm in here baby
rearrange my world
you've got everything now
in a swirl
It seemed like you knew what you were doing
I trusted you in this you really had me going
 
(VERSE    A TO G
CHORUS    C  TO D  2 or 3X stop
to G turn around  C C# D  (bridge?)
to A for VERSE  or C for chorus)
 
 
 
JUST LET THE STRESS
DROP FROM ME. YES.
AH YES!  LET IT GO.
KATHY!  THE TRUTH
STARTING TO UNFOLD,
SPREAD OUT OF YOUR
PAINTING "BEAST WITH GUITAR".
TOP CIRCLES PULLING APART
LIKE MOLLUSKS, SNAILS BUT
EARTHEN, FLESH SUBSTANCE
AS IN HGH TECH SPECIAL EFFECT
FILMS. OPENING UP
AS I SAT HERE THINK OF
HEPATITIS MAN I MET
AT TRUCK STOP - SHOWING
ME HOW TO DUMP AT STATION
SPOILED MEAT IN THE FRIDGE
OF HIS RV CAMPER, KEPT TALKING
ABOUT THE MISSUS ON THE BED,
NOT THERE, OPENED ONE CABINET
THAT WAS EMPTY, SAID SEE
THAT'S THE MISSUS (MRS)
MAYBE I CONTRACTED HEPATITIS
WHILE WATCHING AND HELPING HIM
ALL I KNOW IS I'M VERY SICK NOW
5:30 TUES AM APRIL 4, 2006
IT'S COMING BACK... CONTRACTIONS
PAIN IN MY LEGS & ARMS...
"ZINC FEELING IN BOWELS"
"ZINC TASTE IN THE THROAT".
GONNA GET REAL WARM
HOPE I GO TO SLEEP
JUST TOOK AN ASPIRIN
WONDER IF THAT PRODUCES
THE "ZINC" SENSATION.
 
VERY SICK, CAN'T KICK IT.
FEEL LIKE I HAVE THE "ZINCS".
MAGNESIUM SENSATION,
FOOD GOES RIGHT THROUGH ME,
BODY  ACHY, HEAD STUFFED UP.
SKULL TENDER, HURTS TO TOUCH IT,
FEELS LIKE UNDERNEATH SKULL
IT IS COLD, FREEZING LIKE ICE,
PROBABLY ALL SYMPTOMS
AND PRODUCT OF HEAD COLD.
 
 
 
ROOSTERS & SIRENS & APRIL FOOLS DAY
 
I  get up out of my sick bed
April 1st, 2006, April Fools Day,
 to the sounds
of Roosters & Sirens & Rain.
Christine text messages
that the cats are 10 years old.
Yesterday she text messaged me
that our great friend Cathy
died April 1, 1997.
Odd how as you go through life,
things & events stick to different dates,
APRIL FOOLS DAY,  some cruel joke,
prank that is, Cathy's death
to haunt us the rest of our lives
secret societies and monks
in robes plotting in darkness
schemes to further their influence
and power - why anyone believes
their malarky is beyond me.
Guess they were kinda here first
so they got a grip on our belief
system. But it just doesn't hold up
to close scrutiny. Fundamentally
at the core Christianity
expects one to believe
certain ridiculous irrational
quasi supernatural "miracles"
Kings, Wisemen & Shepherds
coming to visit  the child
of Joseph & Mary, lying in a manger,
no room in the Inn -
returned to Bethlehem to pay taxes,
To sky in - a carpenter -
staying out with the animals
in the shed, and these people came by.
Catholics go one further,
"Immaculate Conception" -
Joe had nothing to do with it.
His death on the cross
and his resurrection, rising again,
all myth and symbol and a product
of the way people expressed themselves
in that day or era.
Built off of Judaism
& infused with an Italian Romantic twist,
it's understandable
why so many people
cling to Christianity.
And underneath
its principles, its beliefs,
its philosophy is a good one -
the Ten Commandments,
the pacifism & simplicity & love
of JESUS, good principles to live by.
 
 
 
 
 
LITTLE COTTAGE
OF MY OWN DEVICES
 
I live in a little cottage
of my own devices,
with well  worn shiny floors
& trinkets & keepsakes all
every last thing meaning something to me
to others not much at all,
but to me, my universe,
all that I know of life...
bits of paper, maps, photographs,
a drawer of loose parts, odds & ends
missing screws & plastic pieces
all of which I know & know well
what they belong to were I to mend them
 
Yes in my little cottage I live,
with my cat & my dog,
a computer now along
with the TV.  And I will
go  to sleep now,
HAPPY & CONTENT.
 
I live in a little cottage
down by the sea.
A rooster crows nearby.
I fall asleep
in the darkness
to dream of love
Loves I have known
& Love that I may know someday
& Love that I feel now.
And Lost in the Eternity of NOW,
I rest & slip into sleep.
 
"One of the coolest dudes
to rock this planet."
 
Listening to Indian Music
and hearing birds singing
outside the white latticed porch room
Sitar attuned to nature
the sound of sitar &  the sound of birds,
all blend into one music,
world music, the music of life.
the tight fan of green leaves
of bushes and sunlight
a woman peeks in the doorway,
her eyes wet & glistening
her eyes sparkling like jewels
her profile the size of the doorway
as though I am in a miniature dollhouse
she sits & crosses her legs,
takes me & places me on her thigh,
on the crease in here skin between
the thigh and body torso,
wrapped in silk, her fingers
dyed with henna tribal tattoos, designs
she says she's been to a wedding -
and then with me standing
in the palm of her hand, she
lowers me gently
back down to the doorway
of the latticed porch,
and she moves away
vaporizing into the atmosphere -
leaving me with
the sound of the Indian Music.
 
LOVE, AH, LOVE
vital, mysterious
the tablas like a heartbeat sounding
the amethyst geode casts
purple lilac light,
the color of her clothes,
the smell of her sweet
musky & lavender perfume & body
lingering, mesmerizing me, transfixed
in awe and wonder - the flowers
in the carpet on the bare earth floor
dancing, floating as though in green water.
A cat walks across the flowing carpet,
 the carpet as though alive
undulating flowers
blowing in the wind in a field,
in upstate New York, redemption,
 new life, new love , new beginning
flowing out of the Himalayas
many sources, steams flowing
down from the mountains,
flowing into one river
one body of truth...
the wind blows comes through
a breeze blows through
the carpet hanging on the large latticed door
 
Next i will move to the ocean
I will live down by the sea
and I will be merry you will see.
and you can come, if you like, & be with me.
Down by the sea, you and me.
 
Thinking of the Untouchables,
the Caste System, the Brahmins,
and how I am all of those
as I empty my plastic coffee containers
filled with urine, with piss,
Having no plumbing or running water
in my cottage,
how I am an untouchable,
 the lowest of the low,
and yet how exalted
when I raise my voice (in song)
when I write,
when I release my mind
let the Dogs out ...
Oh how they run
in wild imaginings
trips & journeys through
canyons & mountains supreme
the majesty of mountains
and shore, beaches, oceans
all at my command -
being all, possessing nothing,
thereby possessing all.
Two women -one her body
& skin a light bluish brown,
 the other with
rosy white skin -
sit in the  lotus position,
and myself,
sensing, feeling the earth breathe,
sharing milky wondering songs,
sharing muligutawny soup,
shag motor, vegetable curry dishes,
saffron rice
saffron colored spheres of color
interspersed among the green leaves
all around the fragrant smell of
various bushes all around.
 
A dressing screen folded at the end
of a bookcase - yes world music,
transports us in mind & body
& soul (spirit) to a higher
plane of awareness, consciousness -
let the mind, the head
swirl in clouds
of white & saffron circles
& mountain ranges all around
& yet still seeing to the oceans
music should always take you somewhere
transport you to another realm
on the wind, another place in time,
another dimension of reality
opening up - seeing things for the first time.
Living on a boat in Bombay,
sipping retsina wine on a Greek Island.
Yes someday, I will visit the world,
MOROCCO, TANGIERS, INDIA, CHINA,
TAHITI, ALASKA, CANADA, CALIFORNIA,
tantric understanding & excess
will be my pleasure
 the mosquitoes are beginning
to hatch, soon it will
be unpleasant to sit on
the latticed porch
because the mosquitoes
will want too much of our blood.
 
April, 2006
 
 
My books are a
series of vignettes,
sometimes related sometimes not,
often portraits of people
again sometimes incorporated
& reoccurring in the story
and sometimes not, but still
part of the picture because
everything is part of the picture.
Everything occurs for a reason.
Often these vignettes are a visualization
of someone and many times of a
specific event in their lives
which shape them significantly
or not, but what normally
leaves an impact certainly
an impression on the central
character of the book -
often the stories involve lives
taken as a whole
they can be seen as an odyssey,
a journey of a person's mind-soul
into bodily presence in the world
and possibly before & after
if such exists,
dealing primarily
with what is affecting
them currently, right then
and there, right now, maybe
reflecting elements of recent memory
in their particular life.
Existence & Being is shown
& believed to be two fold.
One, filled with isolation,
loneliness, despair, alienation.
Two, the possibility of
connectedness, of oneness,
of closeness & harmony & love
always exists, and in striving
to feel this we are
obtaining, approaching
our "true" life of fulfillment,
and in the process we begin to
sense "what it is all about".
 
 
(Have you ever noticed how
carrots have a similar taste
& consistency of coconuts?)
 
WHITE HORSE
 
IF YOU WANNA GO
ROLL ON
I WOULDN'T WANT TO STOP YOU
WHITE HORSE RUN ON
 
THUNDER ON WHITE HORSE
HOW I LOVE TO WATCH YOU RUN
WE CANNOT HOLD EACH OTHER
IT'S PLAIN TO SEE
HOWLING OF WOLVES
& THUNDER OF HOOVES
 
PERFECT LOVE THERE'S NO SUCH THING
BUT THIS IS AS CLOSE AS IT GETS
IF YOU FEEL THIS LET'S WASTE NO TIME
IF YOU DON'T, HEAD DOWN THE LINE
 
I CAN'T TAKE IT BUT HAVE TOO
WHERE ONCE BRIGHT VISIONS
NOW LOST IN INDECISIONS
LET IT ALL UNWIND
ROLL ON THUNDER WHITE HORSE HOOVES
 
DREAMS, DREAMS ARE FOR DREAMERS
& WE ARE DREAMERS, ROLLING CLOUDS
& WHITE HORSES RUNNING
 
NEED TO SEE THINGS A CERTAIN WAY
RIGHT OR WRONG I KNEW THEIR NAMES
NOW I ACCEPT THE ROLLING FLOW
KNOW LIFE & LOVE COMES & GOES
 
I'M ASKING NOTHING
EXPECT NOTHING
WHITE HORSE
BEAUTIFUL MANE.
 
IF YOU WANNA GO
ROLL ON
I WOULDN'T WANT TO STOP YOU
WHITE HORSE RUN ON
 
THUNDER ON WHITE HORSE
HOW I LOVE TO WATCH YOU RUN
WE CANNOT HOLD EACH OTHER
IT'S PLAIN TO SEE
HOWLING OF WOLVES
& THUNDER OF HOOVES
 
 
Nothing exists, all is change
the whirlpool, you and I
do not exist -
there is only the fire,
the change, the flux
"For the most part we
consider Matter to be
the foundation of Reality.
But if we look carefully
we see we have it backward.
It is not mind or consciousness
that is abstract but matter."
Steve Hagen
from Buddhism Is Not What You Think
Sir Arthur Eddington
physicist & astronomer
"Physics is the study of the structure
of consciousness. The stuff
of the world is mindstuff."
 
The stream, the flow
the flux and the go,
that is all we have,
not the illusion
of hand, arm, etc,
but the blur of molecules
and change -
the elixir of immortality.
 
Two views of Reality.
1. All  things separate,
distinct objects,
objective, things "out there"
and then us in here
together form the total picture.
 In this view we discard
totality in favor of what we can
objectively measure,
count and quantify.
Vast  & seductive array
of "objects" shapes, emotions
and measurement tools.
But this view is
not as we actually
experience it, but as how
we think we experience it.
 
2. Second view is
that the whole picture is
of interest to us, not the
separate parts.
The world is viewed
not as multiplicity
but as unity.
A single whole.
Often people who have had ecstatic
& mystical experiences of Oneness
and Unity confuse this view
with enlightenment.
 
In the first,
multiplicity and relativity.
In the second,
Oneness and Totality.
 
In Zen, both views
indispensible,
but neither offers
an accurate picture of reality.
dharmafield.org
 
I finally understand
it is all an illusion,
e.g., a whirlpool is
constantly changing molecules
its looks etc until you
realize it is just a
distilled snapshot
like a memory
the ice forming in fire
the memory in the mind.
 
Mind.
Time and space
result from
the way Mind operates.
 
Where ever I go,
I am here.
TH
 
Reality is not what you think.
What ever you think is delusional.
True enlightment
is to see this moment
as multiplicity & unity,
both at the same time
as one that is the depth
& dimension to our lives
and the world that we
have been oblivious too.
 
"Time is an illusion,
albeit a persistent one."
Albert Einstein.
 
The Transactional Interpretation
of Quantum Mechanics
electron sender
electron responder
occurs at the same time
simultaneously,
believed that responder
sends back
"backwards in time"
every electron
knows where every electron is
knows its exact place
& importance in the universe.
 
"Having" is not what
life is all about.
To the awakened.
Huang Po said
the wise,  the awakened
reject what they think,
not what they see.
Meaning truly see,
not the false messages
of the senses.
"Always changing,
no particular person here."
"Nothing in particular".
"Who wants to know."
 
Yogi Berra
"Hey Yogi,
what time is it?"
he said,
"You mean now?"
 
All is change.
 All exists.
And All exists
eternally.
It is the stream.
 
It's okay
to change.
Change is a
beautiful thing.
 
 
The Stream,
 the flux and flow
and the go,
that is what
we know,
that is who
we know
and we know
that that is
who we are,
and that is what
the world is,
and that is
what the
universe is.
The Stream.
 
 
Note****
different titles
Diary of a Mystic
The Cosmic Dance Within
The Stream
All in the Stream
In the Stream of Things
 
 
The slice of lemon moon
hung in the deep blue sky
like the glass in the hand
of the woman at the martini bar,
slightly crooked,
about to spill,
the gin sloshing around,
thick clear liquid
up to the rim
and around
in slow motion
but never spilling
out of the martini glass.
Walking along the street,
I felt happy
in my public drunkenness,
having met a young woman
who grew up in Northern California
with no electricity,
and the only problem
they had with the pipe
to the stream which gave them
water
was that occasionally bears
would dislodge it
out of curiosity,
and they would have
to move the pipe
back into the stream.
I walked along happy,
the trees seemed so big
and the dark sky seemed
wide and limitless
and the bright
glistening lemon slice
moon
was so cheerful and radiant.
Ah happiness,
how fleeting are our emotions,
changing shifting constantly.
 
Two nights later now,
tired, weary,
I feel like giving up,
I really have no reason to live,
and really no desire to live anymore.
I live in constant pain,
physically and emotionally now,
and I don't really see
much reason to keep this up.
I am now living day to day,
hour to hour,
and I've lost all hope.
I can't find a direction
a path that makes sense
that could lead to good feelings.
I've lost all hope.
I've lost all desire.
I just want to rest.
I'm tired of working,
making the same money
for the same job
that I made 20 years ago.
I need a change.
I need a challenge.
I need a new direction.
I need new goals.
New possibilities.
I just feel so old.
I just want peace,
and not to have to work,
and just run out the clock
on the rest of my life.
I'm tired of the struggle
to survive.
I've worked
so hard
my whole life,
and I have nothing.
That's depressing.
Career changes.
Teacher
Tutor
Drug Dealer
Security Guard
Drive a Truck
The Car Business
Try Writing
& Publishing.
What would thrill me?
Making a living
playing music.
Making a living
writing.
Making a living
recording people.
Making a living
as an agent for artists.
Advertising.
 
Okay!
We've got some things
to go on.
Now go and pursue them.
 
The yin and the yang.
The up and the down.
In transition.
When I have a direction I am happy.
When I have a dream a goal to pursue,
I am happy.
It doesn't matter if
I realize the dream,
it's the going,
 it's the lusting for it,
the drive to reach it,
the will to want it,
the desire to continue.
 
tomorrow
write the William the Conqueror
chapter of Chronik
Cronk, Crunk
7/6/06
Stephanie's Birthday
20 years old
born in the kitchen
at 8:30 am
July 6, 1986
Stephanie Ann Ryan
my step daughter
 
 
FLY HOME ANGEL
 
KNIVES & TEETH GLEAMING
GUNS BLAZING IN FIERY SUNS
OF HATE IN YOUR EYES
HELL'S SKIES BLOODY!
LOVE LIKE A FRAIL MAIDEN
A VIRGIN SACRIFICED
TO YOUR BLOOD LUST,
TAKING DOWN THE JAZZ
GREATS & ROCK PANTHEON.
FINDING EVERYTHING.
FINDING LOVE.
LOSING EVERYTHING,
EVEN LOVE.
 
More than I could take.
Inevitable, the far away look in your eyes,
you could not  stop it.
SOUL SCREAM... HOWL...
BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM...
EDWARD MUNCH MEETS GINSBERG...
Lying in wait, preying
on vulnerability softness,
and off you'd run into
the private recesses
of your retreat, the places
you always go to escape
it all, the complete
chemical vacation where
no one can reach you and
nothing can do you any harm.
LOVE? ME? ANYONE? ANYTHING?
Powerless you float past
specter like & go you must.
GONE, leaving those on the shore
sad empty confused.
Angel flying home.
I am accepting of this.
You have to be.
FLY AWAY ANGEL.
FLY HOME ANGEL,
ANGEL FLY HOME.
 
You were waiting
by the lighthouse
on Lake Ontario
True love in your eyes
As true & blue as the skies
Crimson streak at sunset
like the true feelings
coursing through your veins,
feelings of love
for me and I know this
recognize it
for my feelings flow
as easily as doves
to you, you - sky
Earth & Sky
Rim of the lake,
yesterday a man a thief
 came over across the lake
was killed in a bar in Sodus Point.
When a thief crosses,
no one is happy,
there is no bliss.
ALL IS GONE. THE FOUR HORSEMEN
TRAMPLE FAINT LOVE IN MUD
& BLOOD & HOOF ONWARD.
You could not help it anymore.
 
FLY HOME ANGEL
 
BLAKEAN VISIONS
Cleopatra, Isis, Marilyn
CASCADING in a technicolor
swirl of Joseph's Coat of Many Colors
technicolor coat
through trees & streams
of Light & Honey
seeking redemption, Truth, Light.
Feeling its warmth
like a blind man feels
The sun unseen
Intimations, revelations,
Stampeding 4 Horsemen
stretch with foaming nostrils
in Boudoirs, Brothels,
and back alleyways
of Paris, New York,
Harrisburg, Four Horsemen
Trampling through bloody
sinewy strewn fields
of lies & deceit, lies & lies & lies...
LOVE GROWS WEAK WHERE THERE IS NO TRUST.
 
 
Be One With The Heat
 
In dreams' clouds
I teeter totter across the room
I weave walk
I weavingly walk
without will or woe
in this heat wave
hitting the whole
east coast,
97 in Syracuse,
97 in New York City,
who knows what it is
here in Georgia,
but I know
for one thing
my brain
is fully cooked,
yep you could
serve it up
like a roast beef
or a  pork butt
picnic roast...
sizzzzzzzzz...
sizzle
don't fight it
be one with the heat
 
 
In Cloudy Dreams
 
cloudy dreams shroud
all clarity
vagueness
is perpetual
a cosy and comforting
fog
smoothes all the corners
cries of the seagulls
in the mist
grit of sand
in toes & teeth
sunsets in Hawaii
moonbeams in Tennessee
crystal waters of
the Salmon River
in California
spawning Salmon
leaping bounteously
for you
for your life
upstream
into your lap
your boat
your basket
 
 
At The Wooden Nickel
 
Alright
Wake up!
Shouted the musician,
the entertainer.
There's gonna be
a bus load of drunk women
showing up at midnight.
With this announcement
most of the drunks
around the bar
sat up a little straighter
and were like alright
that seems like a good idea
let me have another drink
to prepare myself
for their arrival...
meanwhile
the ladies
where having a rolling
birthday party
for the twins
JoJo & Janet.
The Entertainer
had been informed
that most of the women
on the bus
were gay,
but hey
that's okay
even Millie Smith
at the bar
didn't mind
whatever
even Diane
just shrugged it off
and sipped
her vodka
salmon sunrise,
but all that
seemed unnecessary
perhaps even rude
to announce
over the PA system...
so  he left that out...
so when the bus rolled in
everybody was primed and ready
and drinking and dancing
and incoming
filing in one by one
was the bus load
of drunken women
and everybody was feeling
pretty good actually
banging on tambourines
and cowbells
and smoking cigarettes
and they sang
happy birthday
and they danced
down to the ground
and they ate the layered cake
and skinny red headed Kathy
was showing her new tattoo
surrounding her belly button
at which point
the entertainer said
now what I want to see
is who has a tattoo
on their ass
and good lord
what a commotion
that caused
women from front
to back
where turning around
bending over
and dropping their drawers
For all the tips and drinks
nothing meant more to the band
 than Millie saying
"Y'all are really good."
in her slow sweet Southern drawl,
as she would walk up,
position herself,
and begin swinging her arms
and kicking her feet up...
her son was a classical pianist
and had been commissioned
to write an Irish song
for the Atlanta symphony...
down at the Wooden Nickel...
tapping out a song,
trying to make a dollar...
Thank you.
7/15/06
during the great heat wave
of July 2006
 
"Never underestimate
the greatness and richness
of each and every individual.
Everyone's life is an ornate
tapestry woven with intricate details
of survival, of happiness and joy
and triumph and sadness and tragedy...
like Pat, sweet Pat,
whose son David was shot & killed,
"he was some place he shouldn't have been."
That's the way she described it.
He was thirty four, her baby.
 
Here we go,
on down the line.
 
1/4/05
SITTING WITH A MIGRAINE
LISTENING TO TRAINS
PASSING IN THE NIGHT
DOESN'T FEEL RIGHT.
MEXICANS ALL AROUND
THERE'S NO WORK IN THIS TOWN.
TIME TO LEAVE
TIME TO MOVE ON
ME & THE DOG
CROUCHING IN THE COLD
NO WHERE TO GO
I G UESS ME & THE DOG
WILL HAVE TO PART NEXT.
 
 
This town was wild
This town was wide open
This town was a Boomtown.
It's so sedate now.
 
7/18/06
Riding through the city,
Atlanta, my how it has grown
and filled in,
very modern, post modern as they say,
angular skyline and street level views
quite spectacular.
 
It makes me very depressed
to the point of crying
feeling that I lost what I had
gave up my house,
this real estate
that is going to be worth so much...
it's a new world around here...
oh well the truth is
I don't own anything here anymore,
but the problem is I would like to own a little something,
this place is growing in a good way,
but maybe for younger people than me...
need to find a place suitable for people my age
and in my economic status
which is virtually non existent
non existent strata of society...
not quite homeless
but I certainly feel homeless
and don't know what to do...
I need to get over this feeling I have...
over the alienation...
no time for that
just have this now
and soon it will all be over
before you know it
don't cry over spilled milk
and get on with it now
happy now happy now
don't worry about the future...
get out of the funk
get on with my junk
don't be a punk
be happy to be alive
enjoy this
be a tourist
a visitor every day
filled with wonder
it is a new place
a new world,
that is what is odd
about Atlanta
it is always changing
so rapidly.
Find a place
for older people.
Maybe New York.
Some place
to settle down.
Not here.
 
8+ months
since I've had a cigarette.
less than 8 years
til retirement at 62.
go for it.
hang the moon.
ha!
what do I have to loose?
well, my freedom,
if I go illegal.
But otherwise
might as well go for it.
Try some new things.
At least apply for jobs.
Teacher.
Sales, auto parts.
Home Depot.
Ace.
Online.
Somebody will hire me.
Make a plausible resume.
Say I have worked for The Mariel Company
Since 1986.
That would be 20 years.
Begin this tomorrow.
Pull your hair back and go.
 
ENTRY
7/20/06
This week returned
to reading and writing.
Working everyday.
Then get home
make food, and turn on the computer.
Get some writing done.
That is the key for me.
Feeling much better.
Starting  to save money
and feeling good about that too.
Stephanie is making
her friend G
crab legs tonight
its midnight
I wish she was making
them for me
 
8/3/06
OH MY
SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED
D fell off the wagon big time
now seeking help
bible studies and church,
hopefully it will work for her,
  I feel good about it.
City of Dreams
the book
is lagging behind the others.
I need to get it up to speed.
Find the chapters and get it entered here.
Work becoming very hard.
Steve expecting too much.
Electric etc.
Gotta let some things go.
Let him know.
I can't switch gears too well.
Take one project at a time and complete it.
Trying to get better.
Let things go.
Don't worry so much.
Maybe.
 
Gums bleeding
nose bleeding
throat hurts.
Don't know
what's wrong.
Tired.
Terrible heat wave
up and down
the east coast.
 
8/6/06
Sunday
Wow how far we have come
I'm entering a chapter of a book
into the computer,
while listening to
traditional persian music
information explosion
it's all there
at our fingertips now
amazing
 
movin' on
and doin' good
got ta be
got ta be real
just chill
and you will
break thru
keep doin'
whatcha doin'
gettin' in a zone
and wanna stay there
that's what i need
ta do
persian style
smooth
soothe
exotic
 
sacred feminine
go wash your feet
i do not like a smelly woman
(or a smelly man for that matter either, ha)
a musky woman
her own beautiful odors yes
but not stinky
ha!
wash those feet girl
ah
you lying there
beautiful rosy white skin
thick shapely body
langourously lying
odorously alluring
blue diamond eyes
exotic and sleepy
thick red hair
tumbling across pillow
and shoulders,
pink areola of your breasts
creamy whiteness of your belly
the sweet thick smells
from your soft red pubic hairs
the niagra falls
within you
gushing
never
blushing
flushing
all
radiance
supreme
elliptical halo
nimbus
aureola
around you
divine
but real
I can smell you
a thousand miles away
a thousand thoughts a day
nothing ever gets in the way
you are here to stay
in my heart, my mind,
my soul, my body
exotic flutes
drums
strings
of persia
bejeweled princess
you are my daughter
i your father
and i love you
like a lover
though i will never touch you
i  love you
deeply like a lover
think not ill of me
and i know you don't
for this you know
my feelings for you
your happiness
is all i want
but if it is like you say on the phone
please wash your feet
exotica
erotica
deeper still
our love grows
the exotic music
sounds above the city
echoing like the love
within you
radiating
echoing outward
as you shutter
ah ah ah ah oh
ahh ah ah ahh oh
a a a a ohhh
that is you
you make me laugh
you tell all
all the details
of your love life
you tell to me
you know what you are doing
you know you are keeping me
ah the music
echoes on the steps
on the buildings
down streets
into the mind
shaking rattling stirring
feelings of sex and love
tantric liaisons
mergings sharings
passing back and forth of love
until shutters and sighs
of lovers die
in the night
into the silence
of starry sleep
 
Hotel from behind the counter
Construction trade
john's ideas for a book
"The TVs Not Working"
short story or chapter from hotel
lady keeps calling
saying the tv is not working
each time it is fixed by the night manager,
and each time she unhooks something else
first time looking sexy
second time in pajamas
third time in a sheet
fourth time humping the refrigerator
whatever
The Pink Hotel
or The Hotel Chronicles
great idea for a book
 
 
The saffron sun
sets in the west
calling all to rest
after the work day is done.
The air is hot and still, exotic.
This is now
pretty much a tropical zone
due to global warming.
But August Heat
in Georgia has always been brutal.
Makes one talk a little slower, a little smoother.
Like a bourbon mint julep,
branch water preferred,
an easy soothe ooze.
But of course now with air conditioning
the slow langourous south is gone,
a non descript entity
of anyone, anywhere
in America.
Air conditioning.
Walmart.
McDonald's.
Home Depot.
I  think of you...
of what is...
and what could be.
I'm falling asleep
after a day in this heat.
Oh how I would like to be with you.
Just to be together.
Time rolls on.
And the loves, ah the loves
the loves experienced
and the loves lost...
ah the loves...
MON 8/7/06
 
THE MOON SHINES
THROUGH THE TREES
I'M GETTING MY SELF BACK
BEGINNING TO FEEL IT AGAIN
COMING BACK CONFIDENT
ON THE VERGE OF COCKINESS
BUT REALLY MORE JUST
SUPER ENERGIZED EXCITEMENT
ABOUT EVERY MOMENT EVERY THING
EVERY BREATH AND MOTION
NEED TO PUSH THINGS A LITTLE MORE
AND WHILE WORKING SAVE MONEY
CAUSE THIS SITUATION WITH STEVE
MAY NOT LAST DOESN'T SEEM THE SAME
ANY MORE SINCE HE GOT HIS MEXICANS
OH WELL I SPIT AND GO ON...
IF THIS JOB PLAYS OUT,
I'M HEADING TO NEW YORK,
OR FLORIDA, OR THE MOUNTAINS,
TENNESSEE, GULF SHORES,
NEW MEXICO, ARIZONA,
OREGON, NORTHERN CALIFORNIA...
SOMEWHERE ELSE...
STORE THE FURNITURE AND HIT IT...
ASK MATTHEW WHAT AGENCY DID HE USE
TO GET TEACHING JOB...
CRAIG'S LIST?
MAY HAVE...
 
8/8/06
TUESDAY
WRITTEN WHILE SITTING IN THE SUN
(DOING SUN THERAPY)
AND DOING BREATHING EXERCISES
(ALSO KNOWN AS MEDITATING)
 
SUBDUE THE MIND
A Breathing Exercise
 
Breathe in through your nose,
out through your mouth
while rhythmically thinking
of each of the thoughts below
 
THE POWER OF LOVE
 
Breathe in & Breathe out all Bad Thoughts
Breathe in and let go of all Negativity
Believe in the Power of Love
Believe in the Power of People
Believe in the Power of the Sun
Believe in the Power of Forgiveness
Believe in the Power of Forgetfulness
Believe in the Power of Fun
Believe in the Power of Your Life
Believe in the Power of All Life
Believe in the Power of Other People's Lives
Believe in the Power of the Rain
Respect your Own Life
Respect other People's Lives
Respect all Life in all Forms
The Butterfly, the Plant
The Essence that is in the Rock
and in the Excrement  (maybe leave this out for now)
Breathe the Air
Breathe the Air
Feel the Air
Feel the Air
Feel the Air
 
INTO THE MYSTIC
into the open
beyond
going beyond
when the mind snaps
in fulfillment
of what it is
all
with all
in all
being all
all
and all
is nothing
and nothing
is all
completeness
of the cycle
complete vision
belonging
gone
here
 
GONE HERE NOW
 
"I'M GONE."
"WHERE R U  GOING?"
"I'M GOING HERE?"
WHEN R U GOING?"
"I'M GOING NOW."
"IN FACT I'M GONE."
"I'M HERE NOW."
 
I WAS THERE
BUT NOW I'M HERE
 
RIDDLES
OF EXISTENCE
(GOOD NAME FOR A TITLE)
 
 
 
 
 
BUKOWSKI
IS RIGHT
or Taking Notes
On the Universe
 
If you are one who thinks
okay now I'm going to write a poem
and it will be like a poem,
that's not it.
You've missed it.
Poetry is what just comes swinging out
like the boom of a sail,
and wacks you in the head,
like a vine in the woods,
its thorns cutting in your neck
like the crunching of steel
in an accident on the highway
it could have been our time
to end in the twisted steel
but it was their time...
just let it flow out of you
and some of the flow
might be good
and some of it mediocre
but the flow
is the miracle
coming out
coming through you
you just coloring it
or just writing it down
taking notes
on the universe
 
Deepak Chopra
 
Language as an abstract
that can create material reality
 
Unconditioned Spirit
Potentiality of Energy and Information
 
Out of the Spirit
Emerges the Mind
 
The mind is the "ordering"
behavior patterns
of the spirit
 
Language
constitutes the material building blocks
of reality
according to Chopra
 
Language is the impulse
of energy and information
 
"Let there be Light"
"Li" the root
light, luce, lex, language,
 
the eye of truth
primordial words
 
primordial sounds
information and energy
same images
same insights
dimension
to the dimensionless
field of pure potentiality
eternity
takes shape from space and time
time is born of eternity
 
disturbance in consciousness
that which comes into being
sanskirt  word
"word"
matter information and energy
are borne of language
which is a disturbance in the quantum field
time
quantified eternity
 
to come
from nothingness
to come into being
 
Mother
Devil
God
Zen Mediation
Shine
 
Language
is the maker of reality
verbal and preverbal
sound and information
memory and energy
verbal language
just a more sophisticated version
of the sounds and information
and energy that is in nature
 
Nature thinks
and nature thinks
through sound and vibration
 
Pythagorus
said a stone
is frozen music
frozen sound
Zen
matter comes from the void
and the void creates  through sound and vibration
the void is matter
and matter is the void
Words
are symbols
that express
awareness, thoughts emotions
explosion of potential
and energy
into reality
ephemeral and abstract
peace harmony and laughter & knowledge
can also heal
Words
a thought
a molecule
into your consciousness
and your unconsciousness
 
Forces of Nature
1. Forces of Light
Good & Knowledge
2. Forces of Ignorance
of Darkness & Destruction
 
Krishna is the knowledge
of the higher self
 
it all depends